I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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