I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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