So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
