I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
