I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
