I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
