the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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