My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
