Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
