It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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