if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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