Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Randomize
