there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
