if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
