I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
