Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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