I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
