we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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