Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
