I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
