i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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