Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
