If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
