She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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