dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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