Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
