you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
