genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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