hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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