nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
