I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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