in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
