I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
