I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
The air taste purple.
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