I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
