Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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