Duck Duck Cougar?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
