It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
