you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
