I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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