My underwear smells like fireworks.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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