dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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