I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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