don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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