Sorry, I don't speak sober.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
