i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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