so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
