Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is the high leading the old right now
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
