You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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