I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
