somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
