dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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