Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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