I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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