i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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