I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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