oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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