I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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