she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
