dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
