So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
