This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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