I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
