Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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