i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
